


talking about triangles

by iihappydaysii



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Arguing, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sexuality
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-07
Updated: 2018-03-07
Packaged: 2019-03-28 08:04:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13899822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iihappydaysii/pseuds/iihappydaysii
Summary: phil's not sure this video is the best idea, and maybe he isn't wrong, maybe it doesn't matter though.





	talking about triangles

**Author's Note:**

> disclaimer: this isn't actually meant to be like a statement on anything that happened. it was just an idea i had and i write fiction so here we are.

Phil could hear Dan pacing in their bedroom. He’d been doing that for half an hour now. Sometimes that was fine, no big deal. Sometimes it just meant Dan was working on an idea for a video, but he’d just made and posted a dinof video so Phil knew that wasn’t what Dan was doing right now. This was the other thing Dan did—the thing that had Phil all stretched out and tense, like a pulled tight rubber band just waiting for the inevitable snap.

He’d warned Dan about making the video. He’d told him to go with a different idea—a story time that Phil had thought was hilarious. He’d laughed out loud a few times at Dan’s rough draft script, but Dan started talking about triangles again and whenever he started talking about triangles Phil knew anything he said was going to go in one ear and out the other. Still he’d tried—out of love and stubbornness—he’d tried.

 

“I just really love this one, babe. That’s all I’m saying,” Phil had said, putting the storytime script back down on Dan’s desk.

“But it’s not that  _ important _ .”  _ Important _ —one of the points of Dan’s triangle. Well, sometimes. Sometimes the triangle changed. Sometimes Dan switched out important for interesting.Or personal for relatable. It was hard to keep up. 

“It’s important to make people laugh—and you’re always good at throwing in like a moral at the end.”

Dan shook his head. “Yeah but…”

“What?”

“You just… you wouldn’t understand.”

There had been a siren going off in Phil’s head at the time.  _ Just walk away. Don’t go down this road. Don’t indulge this, Phil.  _ But he wasn’t perfect. His own irritation was starting to grow and he couldn’t help it. 

“Wouldn’t understand what, Dan? Because my content isn’t as good as yours.”

“Hey, I didn’t say that.”

“It’s what you think, Dan. I’m not an idiot.” He didn’t really care. His channel was not where he got his self-worth. It’s where he had good time and cashed a paycheck. That was pretty much it.

“Phil…” Dan shook his head. “I don’t. Our content is just different. You know I fucking stress over dinof.”

“Yeah, I do. And you’re right that I don’t fully understand why. It’s just a video.” 

Dan huffed. “Just a video, right? I’m trying to—”

“What? What are you trying to do? You want to come out? Because you know I support you doing that.”

“But you don’t support  _ us _ coming out.”

“You don’t want that either, Dan, so don’t put that on me.” This was an argument in itself. One that could go round and round and Phil did not have the energy for it at ten o’ clock at night. 

Dan let out a breath. “I like this idea. It’s a good idea. I don’t know why you can’t just support me on it.”

“It’s not that I don’t support you. I just know how this ends. It ends with you pushing a boundary you’re not ready to push and then struggling with how people react. Make the video but maybe—“

“Cut the sex line?”

“Say friendships instead. They don’t need to know you like to give head, Dan.”

“I’m just trying to be my authentic self and sex is one of the things that makes me happy.”

“This isn’t…”

“Isn’t what?”

“This isn’t how you do it, Dan. You want to tell the world something, tell them. This is… I’m sorry but the script is a little confusing.”

“A little confusing? Oh, well…” Dan turned his back to Phil.

“Dan, honey…”

“No, I get it. It’s confusing.” He grabbed the script, crumpled it up and threw it in the trash.

Phil sighed. “Dan, come on.”

“I thought it was good,” he said quietly. 

And that made Phil felt a little guilty. He still thought he was mostly right but he could feel a little guilty and a little right at the same time. Dan hadn’t been an angel here either. “You should make whatever video you want to make. I’ve always said that. I’ll have your back. I just love you and I don’t want to see you get hurt.” Phil pulled the script out of the trash and smoothed it back out.

“You really think it’s a bad idea to make this video?”

“I think you need to do what you need to do, and if this is how you want to be open about that, then good. But, baby, you’re talking about literally sucking dick. If you want people to pay attention to the rest of the video, you might want to think about that.”

“They should care about the rest of it anyway. It’s not a big deal. Why does everyone have to make it a big deal?”

_ You’re making it a big deal.  _ Phil just sighed. “I don’t know…”

“Okay.”

“It’s late. Why don’t you come to bed?”

“It’s not late.”

“ _ Dan.” _

Phil started to walk away and then paused, “What about not going to bed angry?”

“I’m not angry.”

“Dan—”

“I’m not, Phil. Are you?” His voice sounded softer now, more even, more like himself. Phil would trust him and take him at his word.

“No. I’m not angry. I wish you’d come to bed with me though.”

“I’ll be up in a minute.”

Phil nodded and left, but it was three hours later before Dan crawled into bed beside him.

 

And now, now it was days later and Dan was pacing again, and Phil knew why. He had been right. So many people were talking about the sex comment—in humorous ways, in serious ways, in ways that related to sexuality and there were people talking about the rest of the video, but not nearly as many, not nearly enough to quiet that voice in Dan’s head that always said he wasn’t good enough. And Phil was pretty sure the DM from Antoni Porowski had pushed him over the edge. Someone outside the phandom, someone ‘important’, had seen what Dan had to say, and maybe what his subscribers had to say about it too.

The door to the bedroom opened and Phil tensed as he heard Dan stomp towards him.

“I’m going out,” Dan said. There was an odd quality to Dan’s voice. It made Phil feel a little queasy.

Phil felt his nerves start to prickle. “Where? Do you want me to come?”

“No, it’s fine.”

“I’d like to get out of the house,” Phil said. “Do you mind if I tag along?” He wasn’t unaware that something was wrong with Dan and he probably wanted to be alone. Phil just didn’t like Dan going out alone when he had that look on his face.

“I’m just going downstairs, Phil.”

“Downstairs? Why…?”

Dan shrugged, but didn’t look him in the eye. “Just thought I’d do a liveshow,” he mumbled.

“Do you really think that’s a good idea?”

“Why wouldn’t it be?” Dan said, trying to sound casual, but Phil knew him too well. 

“Because you’re upset.”

“I just I want to talk about the video. There’s been a lot of… discussion and I want to set the record straight.”

“You want to set the record straight? I’m sorry, Dan. What part did people get wrong that needs setting straight?”

“Don’t say it like  _ that _ ,” Dan snapped.

“Like what?”

“Like you’re making a fucking pun about me being gay.”

Phil stepped back. “Whoa. Excuse me.That was not what I was…” Phil wouldn’t call Dan gay. First of all, he knew he wasn’t and second of all, he knew that word came with some difficult connotations for Dan.

“Everyone else is saying it…”

“They don’t mean it in a bad way. And people use it as an umbrella term, sometimes.  _ You  _ use it as an umbrella term. It might not be the best but maybe consider their intentions.”

“That’s not…” Dan sighed. “It doesn’t matter. I already tweeted. I have to do the liveshow now.”

“Let me do it with you.”

“Aren’t you still sick?”

Phil shook his head. He was actually just starting to feel totally normal after last week’s food poisoning. “No. I’m fine. We’ll do a joint liveshow. It’ll be fun.”

“Fun? Right. You just want to stop me from talking about the video that you told me I never should have made in the first place.”

Now, Phil was starting to get a little pissed. “This is exactly why. You’re going to go try to explain yourself, even though you know there’s nothing to explain and you’re going to dig yourself into an even bigger hole. Just let it go.”

“I don’t want to fucking let it go, Phil. I want people to actually pay attention to my content instead of caring whether or not I suck your dick.”

Phil’s stomach twisted. “Oh, so this is about  _ that.  _ That people think you were talking about _ me _ ?”

“Phil—”

“You _ were _ fucking talking about me. Unless you’re getting some I don’t know about.” God, Phil needed to shut up himself. This wasn’t productive. 

Dan rolled his eyes. “I’m not talking about this anymore. I’m going to go do my liveshow and clear the air.”

Phil let out a long breath as Dan walked away from him. He lowered his voice, softened it. Whatever this was wasn’t going to clear a damn thing.

“Please, baby. Don’t do this,” Phil said.

“I’ll be back.”

A few moments later, he heard a door open and shut.

“Goddammit,” Phil muttered. 

Phil couldn’t do it, couldn’t bring himself to watch the live show. He just got onto his private tumblr account and waited. He wanted to know what they’d be dealing with. Wanted to know exactly just how bad it was going to get before it got better.

At first, it was fine… and then it wasn’t. And then it was exactly how Phil had thought it would be. Dan had done the thing he does… the thing he sometimes did to Phil too… took this tone that said ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about’ when he knew exactly what you were talking about. It really sounded like Dan was trying to appease everyone, but he couldn’t. He just couldn’t. No one could. And it didn’t matter what he said, not when he said it like  _ that. Phil _ had learned to see through that bullshit, to understand it for what it was—a defense mechanism. But people on the internet, the people who Dan always wanted such a validation from—some who were giving it to him and some who weren’t—couldn’t know Dan the way Phil did. Couldn’t possibly know all the good that came with the sometimes not-so-good. And they weren’t always going to take the good with the bad. They didn’t have to. But Phil, Phil knew Dan was hurting and he knew he couldn’t do anything about it until Dan got to that point and let him in. And that was fine. Phil was pretty certain he’d wait forever and then some for him.

When Dan ended his live show quicker than normal and didn’t immediately come back in, Phil figured he had to be online probably looking at the same mixed discourse that Phil was looking at. Dan was never going to be able to get everyone on the same page, and not just the same page, the exact page he wanted them to be on. Phil was bracing himself for what was to come, but Phil wasn’t good with conflict and he was never really braced for arguing with a man he’d rather just hold.

Eventually,  _ eventually,  _ Dan walked back in when Phil was stood in the kitchen, putting away the last of the clean dishes.

Phil didn’t say anything and neither did Dan.

Suddenly, Dan was in front of him and he started reaching out for Phil’s waist. Phil knew this move. Dan was going to pull down his shorts.

Phil stepped back. “What are you doing?”

“I was going to give you head, but if you’re not in the mood…”

“Are you fucking serious?” Phil said, barely able to believe the tone in his own voice. “You just spent however long trying to convince a bunch of people you don’t blow me, just to walk back up here and—“

“Jesus, Phil, I wasn’t... what is your problem?”

“You’re my problem! Right now, you’re my problem.” Phil ran a hand over his face. “I’m really worried about you.”

“I’m fine.”

“No, you’re not. I know you. You’re not fine. You freaking out and it’s scaring—”

“I don’t like it!” Dan shouted.

Phil startled back. “Don’t like what?” 

“People calling me gay. I shouldn’t care because there’s nothing wrong with it, even if I’m not. I know that. But I fucking care, Phil. I keep thinking, you know, this will be it. This will be the time that I talk about it and it doesn’t get to me. It doesn’t make me feel like a fucking punch line. I keep thinking and thinking it… it’s why I kept the stupid line in. Because I thought I was ready and I wasn’t. Why am I not ready? What’s wrong with me?” Dan let out a breath and pressed his back to the cabinetry. Then, he slid down to the floor. “I want to be ready.”

Phil sat down beside Dan on the floor. “I’m sorry.”

“You were right. You can say I told you so.”

“Dan… I wouldn’t.. God, I’m just sorry you’re hurting.”

“Why don’t I know what I want? Why does none of it ever feel right?”

“I don’t know.”

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I was an ass to you. That I’ve been an ass for the last few days.”

“I know.”

“I just really, really thought I was ready, and I’m not. I don’t know why, but I’m not.” Dan rubbed his face. “I think people are really mad at me now and I don’t even know if they should be or not. Or if I should be mad at them. I don’t know. I don’t know."

Phil laid a hand on Dan’s knee and started to rub gentle circles. God, he loved this man. Always… always.

“I don’t know if this is going to help or hurt, but I’m trying here. Dan, you’re more than your channel, you’re more than a content creator or a Youtuber or whatever. You’re a son and a brother and a friend and a partner… you’re just a person, who exists and has intrinsic value. I know it feels good when people like the stuff you create, but you’re hands, Dan. You’re hands and feet and lips and eyes and lungs and a heartbeat. Believe it or not, and I’ll believe it for you, you’re a soul. You’re  _ you.  _ And no video, however good or bad, however positive or negative the reaction, adds or detracts from that value.”

Dan let out a breath. “I wish… I wish I could say I believed you, that we wouldn’t end up here again, but I can’t. I hate myself for it, but I can’t.”

“I wish you could too,” Phil said. “But either way, I’m still going to be here.”

After a moment, Dan said, “Did you eat, babe? Can I heat us up some dinner or order us takeaway?”

Phil leaned over and kissed Dan on the temple. “That sounds great, babe. I’m starved."

 


End file.
